Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Dear Mimo......I got nothing.... open letter to my BFF that is not here right now

Dear Mimo.....

I think today ... I missed you more than ever.  When you left this earth it was shortly after my dad's murder and I have not had the time to properly grieve my own personal loss , or your kids loss, your sisters loss or your grandchildren's lost most of all.

It is not the "anniversary of your death."   It is not your birthday , its not the celebratory days the birth of Ruthie or Meghan... or Rachel, Kelly, Shane or or or.....

It was two days after running into Bobby Spicer and one week after running into Mark & Vicki Duffer.  Everytime I see them walking around I know we look at each other and for a brief moment YOUR GREAT BIG PERSONALITY or your GREAT BIG SMILE runs across our minds.  But I don't say anything about it any more and neither do they.

I got mad.   I got mad that I can't "let people know who I am" any more.   I was told that by someone , the one I trust to give me my "advice" since you have been gone.... on this type of subject and I was told .... just like my Dad try to tell me that I not only need a "poker face" but I need a "poker personality."   I made the grave mistake of opening up to someone that I trusted was "real" for a moment or two.... real ...with big ole warts and a reputation that I defended vehemently .... preaching that one should see the best and give people chances.... and yadda yadda.... you would have sat there with one eyebrow up, smiling and laughing and listening ....and then basically guided me as to what to let people see of you. ....which was ALL OF ME .... she loved her life and often said "people just want to be loved" and that is what I did.   I followed your wisdom along with the conglamorite of my friends's leads and advice and trusting them, she was a great example.

Later .... fast forward ....the opposite is true... people don't just want to be loved wasn't true...they want to use you to step forward, to do 1 million different things but its not to be loved...its to be paid for .... taught.... used.... and learned...all along knowing that I could do the same thing but I let them see me and know that I wouldn't d that ...... not just afraid of the wrath of God but Karma and every other thought pattern that makes me have that conscious that says...." I would want  not to that same thing to another human unless I am mandated by law or my creed of a mandated reporter , a social worker that takes her role seriously.  I take the golden rule seriously and I root for the underdog 500% of the time.... everyone that knows me knows that ... and can expect that ...

I learned that the real me is the person that has all of those things wrong with her that she would love to fix , including that poker face etc...but I stand up to them daily, I work on them daily and I do not wish harm to anyone but I get mad.  I am FURIOUS that you are not here MIMO.... I am furious that I have to adult in this case and not have you here to adult with.    I know so much.  I want to let it go , forget it , not have it gnawing at me as to what is the exact RIGHT THING to do .... fight fire with fire has never been my "MO" but I don't have any alternatives at this point... I think I am pretty smart and calm at heart... but right now...

I got nothing

I love you , I miss you  ,  I know you are not my diary but it almost feels like that is what you were EXACTLY my breathing diary that I was fortunate to have all of those years.

I know if you were that to me , I can only imagine what you were to them , those other members of your family that loved you too, ..... I am sure much more.  I know you are happy to be back with Mike, I think when he left.... part of you did too but you were a person who gave all or nothing and that had to be whole again.  I love you . I understand.


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