Monday, September 7, 2015

My 365 Blog and an important lesson......



I began my journey writing my 365  blog "in secret" and shared it only with a few people.... with its final "reveal" to happen when I finished,  everything would be nice and neat and tied up in a bow and ready to turn into a book.   The book with have photos and stories (that had been edited) and lyrics from a song about each person.   365 of these "persons" ...all that contributed to who I am today.  

My plan was to write my memories and what part of my journey that they passed through.  My belief being that each person a person (me) comes in contact with ...no matter how small and for what amount of time" that that person would have an impact on me and who I am and  who I will ultimately be and become.    I don't think this is intentional but just a part of human nature and how we experience the metamorphosis of "growing up" .... and I was going to chart that through this blog that was to be a book ... OH how I thought this would not take a long time.... OH how I was wrong. 

I thought that I would just start in chronological order.... and go from my earliest memories and continue until I reached either A  the #365   or B  the end of the list of people I could recall (doubted that most certainly) .   

My plan was and has been rudely interrupted by several life instances and other "people" that will probably end up being a # of the 365 themselves.   

I found ... much to my surprise that many people that I knew would start dying.... or getting sick or some life event would change what I was writing, when I would write it and what I needed to change. I got scared that if I didn't write about people as they died that I would forget to write about them?  I don't know what came over me but I felt that I must memorialize or pay tribute to who that person was ...as there was nothing more I could add to it.   Some of these passages became more about the death than the life.    I also found that people did not like for me to remember the "bad" or the "not happy" parts of the persons I was writing about .... sometimes it was even "that person."  The living became much harder to write about than the dead.   I found that things that were "bad" in some cases of the people that passed away , were welcomed or thought about with a shaking of the head and a chuckle.  The living ... not so much.... a defensive shield came up and...... there were somethings put in the hands of children ???  will never understand that ...people purposefully causing feelings to be hurt.

Each time this has happened,  I tried to be mindful of these things and consider all of the circumstances.   I removed some posts, I altered some posts and then some posts I completely hid from the public.

Last night..... I was asked about one of the "removed" posts from someone.   They wanted to read it again.  They wanted to share it with another person that they had not shared with in the past.  I unfortunately was very thorough in deleting every word....... 

The deleted words became relevant and would be potentially helpful to other people .... all of the sudden....and they are gone.   I learned a lesson.... I won't be deleting any more posts in the future.  I may "hide them" until the finished , edited, refined versions all come to life when the publishing occurs (saying this with certainty..) .     Lesson learned.   

Another problem I have had with the "changing of the course" of the writings being rerouted is that I had some deaths occur of some of the very most important people in my life.  Each one was almost paralyzing ... well not almost..... I still cannot get a "grip" on paperwork or things that take a "concentration" on the person(s) that are not big empty void spaces.....

I also cannot get a grip on the big empty spaces in my life from a few living people - some necessary, some not necessary , some fixable , some "t-totaled" but ... 


they were my own thoughts being written as if the words was "the letter, you never send"   the one you tear up , burn..... destroy.... or delete.....

As my girl, Debra, recently so eloquently stated ..... "it" .... "was not a waste of my time." even the deleted posts.....they were cathartic at the time...


GO HERE for the blog if you haven't read any of it yet..

this is the only part left of the blog post I deleted...
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark,




1 comment:

Wendy McCullough said...

Have you tried going on the "way back machine" archive.org and seeing if the post is still there? Would be worth a try. By the way, I have been following 365 since the beginning and have been touched by every post you have shared. stay true to yourself. I think you have made the right choice to not delete anything again. :)