|Photo Credit: Malou|
I am working on writing a book and designing a new website along with a streamlined portfolio. I am having trouble deciding (so many choices) of which way to go. As I was reading back through all of my posts I couldn't help but notice that (more than I would like to realize) a lot of posts had to do with this subject.
I was always a skinny girl / teen ager and longed to be heavier , curvier and sexier than the little chicken legged thing that I was. I was thrilled when I started taking birth control and my body morphed a bit....here and there ...... When I turned side ways....you couldn't even see me and I was teased that if the wind blew I would go with it.
I gained 62 lbs with my pregnancy ....my first one ...when I was 18. I morphed and stretched and tore my skin to house my daughter and knew that I would keep at least some of the pounds that packed on my body. I was told in a not so polite way to "give all of my clothes away because there was no way I would ever fit in them again" by my step-father who also threw in that my "A$$ was the size of a side of a barn"..... for good measure..... I listened to him and gave ALL of my clothes away to my next door neighbor who was thrilled to have them. I was miserable in my maternity clothes but glad that I would now have the body of a woman. That lasted 3 months ....and I was back to my 1-3 sized jeans and a whopping 97 lbs.....and had no clothes to fit me but I did have some dignity that my A$$ was back to normal and not big enough to house farm animals.
|photo credit: Brenda Kay|
But after my 30th birthday and after my 3rd pregnancy it has been the battle of the bulges....and I have wished to be back to my skinny , bumpless body and have tried many things to get there. I have gotten there a few times but life and love of food and drink have not let me stay there. Weight and losing it has become the topic of many writings and musings and preoccupations that have not let me live in the moment ....as I wish I could.
I have never liked "loss" of any kind but a loss of dress size and extra pounds on the scale have been the exception to that rule. I have tiny little bones and I don't think I need a lot of fat to pad them. I long to be my size 6.....my size that I think I look the best. I am 5'4 (I grew an inch over the last 20 years?) and have tiny skinny frame but I am well padded....I have those curves that were once absent from this body .....(be careful what you wish for) ....
|Photo Credit: either Karen B or Ellen D? not sure which!|
Today I am a 10....not a 10 like BO DEREK but a 10 the "average" size of a woman ....a comfortable 10..... sometimes an 8 if the size is off but that can go the other way too , 12 if the size is off in the other direction. Unlike Men, whose size is a number that doesn't change and makes WAY MORE SENSE ...a 32 is a 32 is a 32....no guesswork, women for some reason have to try it on because the "fit" is not consistent among brands...? WTH ? WHY NOT?
I hate having this "weight thing" be the topic so frequently in my blog and so much more frequently in my mind. I don't "dodge" the camera , I don't hide my chin with my hand, I don't stand in the back to hide my shape , because I need to SEE ....I need to recognize who I am and be real with it. I need to be reminded. Some would say "why not just look in the mirror?" well I think I have learned to see something different there, I look at what I want to , like the reverse of anorexia....I think I look one way when the reality shows up on the camera not the mirror. The worst one is one that my daughter has framed in her house...when I see it I cringe, but that is ME ....all of me.......more of me than I would like to share.....and it is a reminder .... of what I need to do...
|photo credit: Debra Reynolds|
So I am not a quitter.....
with that being said....I am going to QUIT posting about my weight and just try to get her done, no one wants to read about this endless struggle....instead I think they would rather read about other more interesting topics and SEE the change IF AND WHEN it happens....
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