No I am not some psycho with Paranoid Scizophrenia ...writing about some experience that Central State Psychologists would nod at the attendant to idicate, "Yep, get a room ready, a rubber one preferably!" You would think I was with the title of this blog post and what I am about to write but ......read the rest of my posts if you are a newby and i assure you, if I were ready for that rubber room I would just go check myself in.
Right now, the rubber room is not an option, I don't have time to lose and I have a "to-do" list that requires I be "present" both legally, ethically and morally for a lot of people right now.
The grief and roller coaster of emotions would be able to rival the most fiercest of roller coasters in the United States.
I have tempted my own faith, made beds that I have to lie and have laid in.....broken commandments, broken commitments, told some untold truths and broken a few promises too. "broken" has been a common theme.
Throughout my brokenness I have done and said some things that I am ashamed of. I have not always displayed the most acceptable or politically correct behavior and along the way I have hurt some feelings and I am not here to defend any of the above ^^^ but to say ....If I did ....I not only personally but publicly apologize. I never in my life have intentionally set out to hurt anyone ...
as I know "broken." When things get "too much" for me to deal with , I shut down....time stands still EVERYTHING gets put on the backburner to isolation , retreat, sleep , self medication and more loss.
I have tried hard to smile the biggest smile I can in the most dreary of times. I try not to let negativity rule my day to day life and keep my personal issues personal. I don't like to spread my dirty laundry. I guess this can be seen as not being "authentic" or "real" , others may view this as I feel that I am somewhat better than another human being , in that my way is the only way to be happy.......oh boy .....furthest thing from the truth you can imagine.
I see many people out there, taking life ...and making it a "bad thing" , like the cartoon character EEYORE who walks around moaning and groaning all of the time about how sad they are and miserable and how life always gives them a bad hand. I guess that is what people expect you to look and act like when you are "unhappy" to everyone, a wide open shot at the soul......and maybe that is what we should look like if we are "unhappy." maybe if I looked like that......people could see me as "authentic?"
My children used to tell me....that I shouldn't worry about having a clean house and that "people didn't care if they threw their clothes on the floor , didn't empty the trash or their cars, or wash the dishes. Somehow that me telling them that "no" their friends could not visit until they cleaned their room.....translated to them that I was worried what people would think about their mess. I wasn't . I wanted them to clean their room because I don't like "dirty" all around me, clutter in particular, the queen of piles. "push it somewhere and hide it at least." If you think I am the only one that thinks this read "THE HAPPINESS PROJECT" CHAPTER ONE ..... not so...... It has nothing to do with what "people think of me" just look at how I dress.....you will see..... I don't really care! :) READ MORE ON THIS TOPIC HERE ***it is a must read *** :)
I have struggled , just like all of us to BE HAPPY....everyday....and I have been fighting this struggle since I was a very small child. I pray a lot to be a good person, create good karma, not to mess with other people's karma, pray for those that hurt / trespass against me (just learning that) and it just keeps coming. I had a particularly hard time this past friday .....
The devil ....won......he took over.... I couldn't "see" my eyesight was cloudy and I vowed instead of wallowing in my sadness, misfortune "I would turn it to a positive and complete my 5 acts of kindness this weekend and go have a margarita" I vowed this publicly on facebook. Not only that I took on two jobs with new deadlines (friday night) and tuesday. I have completed neither to standards that are acceptable for my employers. I had good intentions.....I thought.
I became broken instead. Again. I lost control of myself and even my own ability to pray. I cursed loudly friday , I wished ill on others, I tried to hurt someone in retaliation to my own hurt (WRONG WRONG WRONG...I have never done this in my life) , I cried, I talked to two family advisors, my lawyer and a trusted friend.
I self medicated ......with some herbs and such. DREAM SLEEP. KAVA & MELATONIN can all be magical at times.
I completed a few easy tasks yesterday to piece together a few extra dollars, I spent hours on the computer searching near meaningless things. I still couldn't see, in a fog.....with more things being thrown at me "not good"
I looked on FB for my friend (beth) that I sometimes turn to to pray for me. The other one (brandee) has taken a facebook hiatus so went to seek out BETH, only to find that for lent she too had given up "facebook" for lent. being that facebook is my #1 form of communication these days I felt like I had no where to turn for guidance on why I could not pray, could not ignore, could not resist spewing venom and......not pleasing God.
I tuned into PCC this a.m. I tuned in for the "message" I knew I would get. I saw and heard my beautiful beth sing in her angelic way with other members of the church. I heard her words and they were beautiful . Suddenly......
The message turned to money.
The very thing that made me stop going to the last church I joined. Every sermon was about money. and tithing. and how much you can give. It was about the more you give the more you get. Its almost like saying "give to get, with that intent" for those flood gates to open , for all of your heavenly riches to come true and "yea! you can keep more of your earned money than you give." I couldn't believe it. I never heard a sermon on this topic at this church ever before Even the preacher said , everyone will look at you poorly if you leave now that you know todays topic.
NOT TO GIVE TO CHARITY OR PEOPLE but very specifically TO THE LOCAL CHURCH 10% of your INCOME. ......ANY INCOME.....and used phrases such as "$7000" isn't very much when your salary is $70,000...."
I listened intently rather than turning off of my computer. I listened to it all because I knew the devil was after me. I had not turned on "church" in several weeks and when I did looking for my message, it was the very opposite message of what I needed or yearned for.
The devil is saying to me...... "really? $7000? really? and you have no say over how your $7000 will be spent , just give it to your local church? well "you" meaning "ME" don't make $70K you barely make $7000 after expenses....what message is this for and how can they say you have to do this when you went "all in" for Jesus...that when you made your commitment to be "with god" you also made this 10% commitment. It must have been in the small print because I never read that and I wasn't told either.
Is that "my message"?????? there has to be something more...something I am not seeing . I am not looking for the "riches" to pour in , I am not looking to spend money I don't have in a way that I have no choice in the way it is spent. I do a lot of "token" giving....what is going on?
I was told recently that God will take everything you own until you give him all of the glory for what you have done , have and will have and become......I didn't believe that my God ...was manipulative like that....
I am not sure what in the world is going on here but something is....
and it has not been pretty
my other spiritual prayer warrior brandee, wrote about me once (HERE) and in her gracious and sweet writings she said that I did not let DEBBIE DOWNER in my life, that I had the gift of "RAOK" what happened.....DEBBIE DOWNER is here and brought a FRIEND.
you see I am no better than anyone else, I have bad just like the good, I just choose to NOT share the bad and accentuate the good in my life, not in the way I dress mind you, not in how I decorate my house or by the car I drive.....but ....I try to focus and cherish the good times the most. I think my photography tries to do the same for the most part...accentuate the positive and blur out the bad. Sometimes, the focus of my photography is the opposite, ....reveal, expose and make questions.... like the photo below and this blog post....REAL & RAW......
I don't know how to put a bubble around myself....I wish I did
PS in the midst of all of the chaos and trouble, my grandmother's cross has gone missing...
yea..the one I wear in times of troubled mind or heart. I have two more crosses, but this is the one....that I wore to say good bye to my dad , my grandmother and all the strife around that kept me safe, I lost it.....and found a penny....in the same day....UGH
UPDATE: the cross is found.....I still need a bubble..... and there are a few missing pieces of the puzzle and special meaning in here that are not disclosed...I do know that a church (building needs funding and that isn't the issue really) just the sermon on it, everyone that walks into a church building can see that what's in it isn't free ...especially with expansion at rapid rates and trips to other countries at the same time . I live meagerly, I do not like to fund ....extravagance.... so I choose to help poverty... but think that is personal choice? god knows my heart on that . and I give to church and church people frequently : I love PCC ...I do its not that