Saturday, November 17, 2012

Thanksgiving without my Dad to call ...........




“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us   all be thankful"

~ Buddha~

 OK so this is the first year I wont talk to my Dad on thanksgiving........ but I will be in his town, visiting him, kind of........... I wont be able to hear about how he went and visited with "mamma"  my "BB" and how he was going to his AA meeting, not this year.....instead I will be in the air, not with my kids or grandkids but ....... with my Grandmother, visiting with his "mamma" for him, for me and mostly for HER.  She looked forward every year because that was one day she could count on seeing  her son.  I only spent a few Thankgivings with her and my Dad because my Dad's wife always had "issue" with my coming during the holidays.  So I didn't much.

these are the words that spoke to me today in my journey to be thankful each day for something, today was particularly difficult going through the motions , feeling like I am chasing my tail....... feel like I am staying in reverse........ I need to get back in "drive" and hopefully get to the "sailing" part one day.... as I transform and see light at the end of the tunnels in many ways I also see the debris I have to step over, reform and transform along the way and doubt that I can keep it together to do all that I need.   and I become sad.

When you are sad.........finding the thankfulness is supposed to help..... but at times it hurts

I have a lot of things that I am forgetting, my brain is full, my list is huge of what needs to be done , not for just me or my children but the elders and those that are incapable of doing for themselves also fall upon my actions. I am doing poorly with my own "stuff" but I think I am doing ok for them.............. how is that? 

So I challenge myself to free my brain of things that may be on my mind, in my heart ........
so that I can find the gratitude that I need to focus on....... 

 

 HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY MIMO who I did not call every thanksgiving but I should have :( 
 

2 comments:

Susan said...

All of the above mentioned persons, minus one...whos opinion should have never counted to begin with.....know that you loved and love them with a fierce passion. You should NEVER worry that you didn't or haven't done enough.....I, for one, know better...especially at the present time. You have had the entire families legal issues hurled upon you and are being pulled in 10 different directions. I have witnessed the legal and moral struggles that you have been forced to deal with, since your Dad passed, and know that it has caused much distress to your inner self. This too, shall pass....one way or another. I love and respect you so very much, my dear friend.

TheFrugalFreelancer.com said...

thank you SUSAN your words mean a lot to me and touched me ....... I appreciate you more than you know2