Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Something I hate about myself.......not proud of it but.........Unable to "forgive and forget"

PhotoCredit: http://missionalorder.com

I hate that I am unable to go through the "forgiveness" process in some situations.  I have been told that I NEED to do this in order to be completely happy, to be forgiven myself and/or to get rid of anger about a situation. I "ignore" a situation and repeat that behavior over and over again until I have "had enough" once that happens then I cut the ties...........sever them actually and then once that is done............ I can't go back I can't find the tools to "forgive" and "forget"

I have endured Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse , Neglect (emotional, physical and medically) and finally Financially Abused (*when someone tries to control your feelings based on money, like Inheritance or paychecks)  through out my lifetime, starting at a very early age....... (hows that for a smorgasbord?) and have chosen to FORGIVE the abusers and GONE BACK FOR MORE in all but one instance. in a sense only to be "let down" and "hurt" again. 

I have PTSD due to it...........and am prone to a "fight or flight" reaction when I see / hear violence of any type that is unjustified, even if it is only in a movie.   The key is "unjustified"   if there is a murder of an "abuser" it doesn't bother me,  but someone being abused that is a victim........or child............I can't take it
I am not sure if the PTSD is somewhat responsible for my being unable to forgive & forget or not?

If we really want to love, we must
learn how to forgive.”
– Mother Teresa

I have researched and reviewed what the Bible says about the subject because you see it really does bother me that I am unable to forgive.  I have read in the Bible that you are supposed to forgive 7 times and another 77 times...........but when the offenses are 888888888 times I don't know what the Bible or God thinks about that.?

I had a long time friend that told me ..............."YOU don't have to forgive you have to ask God to forgive them for you, then you just don't worry about it"  she was able to go through life with or without individuals that have done hurtful things to her (I never think she went through abuse of any kind ) without a 2nd thought.

I have another friend that does the "I can't forgive you , I don't like you" but has the ability to turn hot or warm to COLD and I mean COLD and never look back.

Both of the above mechanisms work for the individuals that use them, but I have been unable to find the right tool that sits right in my heart or head.............WTF?

There are some "offenses" that society says...........to "get out"  of a relationship  when it concerns "abuse"
but the same society that tells you to act upon those offenses also tells you to "forgive"  especially when it comes to a parent or a spouse or your child.   I have done this purposefully and defensively with family members & friends that have either inadvertently or purposefully done things that have hurt me....... but then can't do the "let go" thing or the "forgiveness thing" either. 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.". -Mahatma Gandhi

It has been my experience that most people who hurt you , never ASK for forgiveness but rather make EXCUSES for their behaviors, try to rationalize, deny and/or  minimalize their own behaviors and your feelings as well.  When this occurs what is a person to do? 
I can't just "GET OVER IT"  ..........I've tried.

Add caption
forgiveness from Wikipedia 
"Kramer and Alstad assert that of faith-based ideals of forgiveness, while appearing selfless, contain implicit selfish aspects. They state that "when forgiving contains a moral component, there is moral superiority in the act itself that can allow one to feel virtuous". They ask: "As long as one is judging the other lacking, how much letting go can there be?" They note that "Where the virtue in 'moralistic foregiving' lies is also complicated by the fact that it is often unclear who benefits more from it, the one doing the forgiving or the one being forgiven." Not surprisingly, they note "that for many people, forgiving is an area of confusion intellectually."

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