Sunday, February 7, 2016

BIRTHDAYS.......... and such

I read an old blog post very early this a.m. where it talked about my Dad and his birthday and it being "just another day"  I read another post about January and what a DREARY month is it / was to be born..... I think about past birthdays and yes this is the best birthday (2016) EVER 

it started with ..... the presidents heads.... LOL.... and my pre-birthday excursion with debra:


so much fun and great kick off to the birthday adventures...... 


 I thought and thought and planned a really cool excursion during the week of my birthday.    I took lots of photos..... and I had a great time....but REALLY the only part about my birthday ,  really was the singing of the bday song on the beach at the YAYA resort in Costa Maya....









there was no real planning, no real thought, no real celebration...  (best part was my friends singing on the beach at the yaya club in costa maya, that is a REAL celebration,  my toast to my day) my life is a celebration , every day....   that bracelet that my BF "picked up" from a vendor on the beach....well yea that was nice but that was on the cuff...could have been "any day" but maybe not ,  he isn't the type to buy things....just because.... I like it but he doesn't , he makes comments about it all the time about it being "cheap" and it "looking funny" with the rest of my bracelets....so.... yeah.........

my trip ....yes was glorious and so much fun and glad I got to spend it as I did....but ..... that could have been any day..... and it was for the others, they all planned a nice vacation /adventure  not because it was my birthday but because it was FUN!!!!

.........
 its even  nice to hear  ..."you look great......"for your age." especially when you are getting older and then the reality hits.... "for your age" ..... damn what I would give to be 35 again..... I would do so many things differently.... I don't even look 35 anymore as I did for most of my 40's ... I am not getting younger that is for sure .... and birthdays are a time to reflect on that ...more so than new years ,  a time for new resolutions.....


---------

so I resolute....... I resolute way deep in my soul....to make wiser decisions this year, to be thankful as my friend was ....on his days on earth to be in the "vertical position."    

 _________


then there are those "expectations" of those you thought would have been there, called, acknowledged or something....that didn't...and the disappointment associated with that..  and I think of the times I forgot my grandmothers birthday (not many but a few) and how she may have been waiting for that phone to ring that never did.....


...my dad..... yes he was wiser than I gave him credit for many times and for my entire life I disagreed with him....... I didn't think a birthday way JUST ANOTHER DAY ...... but really IT IS just that.....and I should be happy to be breathing..... right?
.....

Yesterday my beautiful friend had the "worst birthday of her life...in her words"...... but if it had not been the anniversary of the day she was born...I wonder would it have been the worst day of her life?  no I don't think so...she wrote a message on FB .... "Thank you for all the beautiful birthday wishes, calls, cards...and although I wasn't able to get out, it made me feel "my day" as super special nonetheless  smile emoticonI'm grateful to have so many caring people in my life, that's what it will always be all about... LOVE (and Peace of course) 
heart emoticon"   ..........   I did not add too much to her happiness , I had a bad day myself (for many other reasons) AND worked...so I couldn't have but I will make it up to her ...yes I will.... 

but....I can't help but thinking if this same day happened and she had all of the cards and calls and wishes and special thoughts but it was not the anniversary of her birth WHAT A GREAT DAY THAT WOULD BE! ??????

.........
I will say it again....my dad was right ... .... that blog post I wrote was just thought in a moment .... a moment in time when things were much different ...I had a dad, a grandmother, a great aunt, a lifetime BFF and other people in my life that are no longer here with me either in "doing life" or "being in life" however you want to look at it.  Many of my friends, are gone... poof...just like that ...no more birthdays... no more "just any days" they have been replaced with "death days"   how sad.....

I know its a cycle of life.... but really..

I used to think and want not just a birthday "day" but a weekend , a week , a month,  a smile on my face celebrating the fact that I was born..... ?????what?????? that sounds so silly now....really it has morphed into a celebration that I am still vertical...and breathing.....

now I do not.... I don't want a death "day" either...or weekend, or week or month or anything of the sort..... that final day ...isn't just another day...its your last day of life....  I don't want to have a day to remember or celebrate or mourn for those left behind ...

I just want a day , a time,  a space....... where I feel and my peeps feel special ....just because they "ARE...."


I want an UN BIRTHDAY..... i don't want to count the years  (good and bad) I want my expectations for what that feels like to grow and grow so everyday is "just another day"  a day to celebrate living








Wednesday, February 3, 2016

WOW.....an epiphany......

I had a huge ephiphany as I ended the recent 365 ...... I was hurting one friend to protect the feelings and wishes of those left grieving her on earth.  I am sure there is some ethical code you are supposed to follow in times like these and I am a little bit confused about how I should act without being scrutenized or judged.


I hate to be the center of attention or even around the periphial of that topic.  I don't like to make headlines of any sort and I never want a shower of any kids.... I don't like opening presents in front of of people and would much rather be the wathcher,  the camera man...the man behind the curtain... anything of that sort....




this time....I was a periphial..... an obvious white elephant in the room... the one attached to my actions.   thankfully my where abouts were planned many moons ago and my actions or non actions could not be scrutenized an if they were ,  they were wrong....I was celebrating my 54 th birthay with a close circle of loved friends in paradise..... saying a silent bon voy age and celebrating another trip around the sun IN THE SUN with a rum something in my hand, smile on my face and people that love me that didn't even know the events in VA that caught my attention a time or two even though my goodbyes had been said.


I was scared for you but I know...... that you had love ones around you, loving you , grieving you and seeing you outta heree, just like you can in ...alone, confident and loved...the baby......


Sunday, January 3, 2016

NEW YEAR : 2016

Happy 2016


2016 is here ,  it's a brand new year,  full of hope, resolutions, promises to myself , yourself and themselves!  We celebrated at home New Years Eve complete with Fondue


(was supposed to be a fountain... didn't turn out just right.. LMBO...now up for sale $5!) ,  games, drinks and fun for our family and a few close friends that were invited.

It is also a time for Black Eyed Peas  football and champagne.  None of which were partaken in this year.... new traditions and illness set in.  Instead,  sleep was of the essence and I missed a fabulous shopping trip with my youngest.    I caught some awful gunky stuff that necessitated antibiotics, zinc and plenty of Emergence-C.    My daughter and grandson fought this nasty stuff for the week before so I am most certain that I got it from them....but what ever the case .... I am now on the mend,  I am back to my editing and have a shoot scheduled for tomorrow that I must ...muster the energy to do and to do well...

I started reflecting on all that was "unwell" around me .   I am reading the Happy New Year on Facebook but I am also reading and extraordinary amount of illnesses, tragedy and needs of people that I love in some kind of "situation beyond their control."  Including myself that was sick enough to "put me down" for a bit. I have no room at all to complain, moan , groan or utter any "inconvenience" in the pale comparison to my buddies and their personal pains.    So for this year ... I am going to say I am very thankful (cough cough, sniff, sneeze, gimmee - nyquil voice).... VERY.





I live a peaceful life in general and have nothing to complain about. All of my needs are met and my illness does not require any surgeries, or long term prognosis.  Hell my torn tendon finally even healed (THANK GOD FOR THAT!) ... and I am also knocking on wood.  I have been able to make people smile or try my best to, for a modest living ... what more could a person want ...really?   

I have no resolution to make this year.  I have no vice that I feel the need to vow to fix.  Sure I could lose a few pounds, I could procrastinate less, I could do a lot more things to help others (and I will),  I could do a lot more to make myself better (and I will) ...but I have no need or feel the need to proclaim it  out loud.





Some of my dear friends have (in the past few years) chosen a word  "of the year" instead of making resolutions.  Some of the words I have seen are "evolve" "love" "peace" "ignore" "forgive" "adventure"  and I am inspired by each of the words that they choose and its fun to see how they "use" those words in their own unique personal ways and how different that same word impacted me.   So no words to puzzle or confuse the year for me.   I don't want to be accountable... call me lame... but it takes the pressure off.

Instead I just want to do.  To act.  To reveal my personal silent promises to my self ,  in such a way that no words are needed,  my actions always speak louder than my words.   

I only hope that I don't disappoint..... myself.



Photo Credit:  Photos By Anjie :  Anjie Kay VA BEACH PIER