Saturday, March 4, 2017
I realize that I am not on here nearly as much as I should be or used to be ....its almost like ...anjie lost her "world" for a few minutes . When those facebook memories pop up from a few years ago I wasn't a "workaholic" like I realized that I became. I packed my schedule so tight that I didn't have time to do the things that I love most in life.
I am not sure how I came to this conclusion.
I love to travel and I work hard to "play hard" that is for sure. And .... Play I do... like the lost 10 year old that I was that never learned to really "play" with life's burdens so strongly on her shoulders. I remember playing before that.... I remember smiling so big that my gums showed and I remember my eyes opening wide and daydreaming, playing, and using my "free imagination" without regard to the stress going on around me.
Things changed and got "real" for me. They got "really really real" I am sure those that read my 365 Humans blog understand a bit more about this than most but not as much as the people that lived it with me. I read a blog post another talented blogger / photographer / friend that has lived a "chunk" kinda with me in the most recent past wrote about in an interesting way ..... HERE ......if you read it ...I think you will see that she is one of those that actually participated in some very difficult times in my life. She is one of 3 people that I let pray for me outloud..... I ask for prayers regularly but most people know I a private about that and don't do it ....outloud....with Brandee its a bit different...she just says we are going to do it and she does it and I feel like a child would that had their blankets tucked in for them. Not that I really know what that feels like personally from a parent....but that is what I would imagine, when my boyfriend tucks me in.... how that feels... "safe" .
I have changed things around recently and I have a great idea ...an idea that involves what else? WORK ..... ok I am that person that does best when I have a mission and I am a work a holic and like to see "instant gratification in my work" I think I am addicted to editing and I also think I am addicted to being busy. SOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIII HAVEEEEEEEEE SLOOOOOOOWED DOWN.
Really , I have and I think my arm is finally healing instead of covering it up with cortizone, lydacaine and the max amount + a little bit of ibroprofen too.
I started realizing I miss my grandkids, my sister, my friends, my cooking, my quiet time, my "frugal" passions , my board game playing , my my my my my EVERYTHING ...
My quest to travel is inquenchable (I think I just made that up) and that will not change no matter what, we joined a travel club and I am going to get lots more creative with my traveling and I am going to be fortunate enough to get my sister on board as I am gifting her a timeshare.... and it will be a bigger family thing ...that we so desperately need, and I for one have been neglecting.
I feel like this has been almost "manic" .... desperate...... more like it. You see I have lost the most people - EVER IN MY LIFE put together in the last now 5 years ..that have flown by but barely a day has gone by that I have not lost SOMEONE I KNOW .... its depressing and almost unreal. I never wanted to make a list of them but in the list (my dad, grandmother, favorite aunt, grandmother like great aunt, SAM, GLORIA, HEATHER omg... on and on...best friend (MIMO), high school sweetheart, many close school friends and and and and and and) I guess I thought I was on "vacation" from mortality too, which hit me straight through the heart 30 years ago losing my son. ... 2 miscarriages later, my father topped it off having a mysterious (putting it nicely) and very suspicious death.... so yeah I have lived a few novels and blockbuster movies that need to be books. I've been in a race to fit everything in as fast as I can....I think
Novels? I have at least two of them in my brain....and need to buckle down and REALLY write them, or get serious and hire a ghost writer. I have this fabulous plan... and a non profit that will be started by summer, a website to repair, social media to keep up, photography and all while getting my Masters, thats right ... school is on the horizon.... to complete what I should have years ago.
Life has kicked my ASS. and I am tired of it....quite frankly. I have a lot of things to accomplish and I am not going to jam pack my schedule to do it. I am finally going to be in the position to travel, life comfortably and do what I want to do more and work (gently) to get it.
I fight constantly to keep my unique identity but share my gifts and knowledge and contact with those that inquire. It is a battle, believe it or not. I have learned that everyone that smiles at me isn't really my friend. I have learned that many people "out there" use others as a stepping stone of sorts to further their own interests or beliefs. It has never crossed my mind to do the same.
I have also learned that my friends, my true friends, not only smile with me but they also cry with me and stick with me through things that I would rather not do alone. I may have lost my "best friend" but I have found some angels amongst us a long the way. I have made it a point to go home to my nola friends more often and each time I yearn to go more often ... but the common thread is I work too much and until the point that I cant let my own arm heal. BUT NOW I HAVE ...thank goodness.... I have learned a valuable lesson.
I hope that everyone will join me , support me and help me with my new journeys. I promise I will share more here and in the newsletter and be back to being me that I was ... and quit working so hard to chase my tail.... here is what I want to print out and put on my kitchen cabinet or something....
I hope I can make myself stick to it. I am also reading this really good book that helped me put things in a better perspective "the happiness equation" .... I recommend it so far .. Its helped me learn ...and laugh out loud......
I have problems that I try not to dwell on and ignore and I thought the best way may be to work so much you don't have time to think about it ....what happened was ...I still think about it and don't get other things done , like things that give me pleasure....
THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE!!
PLEASE PRAY A PRAYER, SEND SOME LIGHT, SUPPORT MY EFFORTS (thank you for that from the bottom of my heart)... ETC .... <3 p="">
IF WE DONT HELP EACH OTHER OUT ..... then what kind of human are we? I need more time to help others...and not over work it ... so no more booking 3 weddings and 20 shoots in one month...
I will be spreading things out a bit.. and really putting more effort in each person...
I am on a roll..... come with me on my journey..... this non profit will touch so many lives .... my classes will be fun.... I can't wait to share it all.... but most of all I can't wait to see who is by my side.<3